My Mom and I saw Mariah Carey on the Talk today. I told her that she's the one who sung the song All I Want For Christmas Is You and that it really choaked me up a few times this Christmas season. I told her that song was in Thomas's favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually, and it really reminded me of him. I told her we would snuggle up on the couch together, with cats and blankets, and watch that together. Then we'd watch The Family Stone or Home Alone 1, a couple of my favorites. I tried to sing the song for her and couldn't finish for crying. She said that I was lucky having those memories because she can never watch a movie with Dad because when a commercial comes on, or he looses interest, he channel surfs. So I should be glad that we shared memories like that.
I am, it's just so hard discovering new things about him that I miss. I was so looking forward to him coming home from my dream this morning, until I woke up and REMEMBERED.
Even little things, like needing to go borrow my neighbor to help me change the furnace filter. I remember how Thomas and I had to really work together to get the stinking thing in last time I changed it. I only change it twice a year because it's so hard to do the way my furnace is set up. I remember him jamming a finger last time and cussing a blue streak and laughing at him sucking his finger. I have determined you cannot change my filter without at least one finger jam for someone. Today I jammed mine.
Today is the first day of a year without him in it. It feels weird going on into a new year that he won't be a part of. Like I am leaving him behind. It just feels wrong and I don't know how to explain it.
There are just so many things I find that I miss him for. Going to the Farmer's Market. Going out together. Changing filters. Going grocery shopping. Watching movies together. Nudging him in church if he got sleepy. Going to bible studies. Chasing Madison around the house. Watching Jean Luc push Batmobiles off the shelf. Watching Jean bean him in the head with a big bottle of olive oil that I couldn't get to in time. Listening to Paul McCartney and Phil Keagy and praying for them to be over soon. Listening with joy to Jeremy Riddle and Need to Breathe together. Our first kiss. When he proposed at Stewarts Jewelry. Feeding the ducks at Riverside with John Wesley Meadows. Going to Mead's Corner. Going to the Donut Whole and Kimmies. Going to the Need to Breathe concert at the Cotillion together. How sweet he was to me when I had my surgery. He fixed the bedroom all up for Hiccup and I to recoup in as we both "got fixed" at the same time.
He was such a loving man, and I just miss him so much.
Happy New Year Baby. You may be gone, but you are not forgotten. I still love you so much. I can't wait until God lets me see you again.